True Love or a Fantasy Bond? | HuffPost
Many people confuse the fantasy bond with true intimacy. Truly intimate relationships are rooted in genuine caring, concern, and deep. Most people have fears of intimacy and are self-protective and at the same A fantasy bond is the antithesis of a healthy personal relationship. The fantasy bond exists when the reality of a deep, loving feeling is replaced by a more robotic form of going through the motions of an intimate relationship.
- True Love or a Fantasy Bond?
This process soon diminishes the excitement that first drew them together. Over time, people forego the spontaneity and openness they had when they first met and replace the sense of adventure and uncertainty with routine and security.
In other words, a couple shifts their reality from being two free people in love to being two dependent people in a " Fantasy Bond.
As a relationship becomes more intimate and more important to us, we start to feel vulnerable and afraid that things will change. Our worry that we will be hurt or rejected is often apparent to us. But there is another element that threatens us of which we are often less aware: This view of us challenges the negative aspects of our old familiar self-image.
Even though we don't like our old identity, we are reluctant to part with it because it's how we've always known ourselves. We grew up believing certain negative things about ourselves, and therefore we've grown comfortable accepting these things as truth. In an effort to preserve this familiar identity and to protect ourselves from potentially painful outcomes, we often form a Fantasy Bond. In this process we hold on to a fantasy of being in love while retreating from our partners.
We become increasingly inward and withdraw from being vulnerable and open to those we care for.
For example, when a couple first gets together, they may enjoy feeling romantic, looking into each other's eyes, exchanging compliments and outwardly expressing affection. However, as time passes and one's defenses kick in, they may start to feel less comfortable with eye contact, more disbelieving of compliments, and less open to affection.
Knowing the Difference Between True Intimacy and the Fantasy Bond
Qualities they once adored become traits they are guarded against, and quite often, even critical of. When a friend of mine described how she had fallen madly in love with her partner, she emphasized how taken she was with his outward expressions of love.
She found his openness and acknowledgment to be romantic and sincere. However, after a few months of dating, she noticed herself feeling slightly annoyed by his attentions. She started to alternate between seeing herself as unworthy and him as needy.
When she thought more about it objectively, she realized that her reactions seemed off, and neither observation was true of herself nor of her partner. What then was causing her discomfort? A few weeks after posing this question, my friend flew out to visit her family for the weekend.
She noticed that none of the couples in her family showed outward affection toward each other or paid each other a compliment. She began to realize that this was reflective of her childhood, as her father didn't believe in "patting anyone on the back," preferring to correct minor flaws than to acknowledge major achievements.
She also noticed that her mother rarely hugged or showed affection to her husband or her children. Though my friend didn't like the way her family members interacted, once her own relationship got serious, she started acting out the very same negative behaviors she'd observed throughout her childhood. By making this connection in her mind, my friend was able to break this pattern in her behavior.
Fantasy - Relationship - Intimacy? - Osho Online Library
She began to consciously act against the critical inner voices in her head telling her to keep a distance and to resist affection. Relationship milestones like moving in together, getting married, having children, or even simply acknowledging affection for each other can lead a couple to feel a certain amount of anxiety. When people identify the emotional baggage they bring to a relationship that causes them to react in these ways, they can resist the lure of falling into a Fantasy Bond. My friend, for example, could easily have never caught on to her defensive patterns and believed the thoughts telling her that she "didn't deserve love" and that her partner was "too nice to her" or "too needy.
She would have taken actions that inhibited much of the spontaneous affection between them and fallen into a pattern of controlling his responses to her.What is the Fantasy Bond?
These shifting dynamics may seem subtle at first, but little controlling behaviors, small criticisms, and minor outbursts can escalate into full-blown destroyers of a relationship. The more we indulge in the nagging critical thoughts toward our self and our partner, the farther we distance ourselves from the real feelings of enjoyment and love that we feel for each other.
To avoid this negative outcome, we must continuously maintain an interest and investigation into ourselves. What are our defenses? It is only a fantasy, and you know the fantasy will disappear. Before it disappears settle down, before it disappears do something so it becomes impossible to separate. In a better world, with more meditative people, with a little more enlightenment spread over the earth, people will love, love immensely, but their love will remain a relating, not a relationship.
And I am not saying that their love will be only momentary. There is every possibility their love may go deeper than your love, may have a higher quality of intimacy, may have something more of poetry and more of godliness in it. And there is every possibility their love may last longer than your so-called relationship ever lasts. But it will not be guaranteed by the law, by the court, by the policeman.
The guarantee will be inner. It will be a commitment from the heart, it will be a silent communion. If you enjoy being with somebody, you will like to enjoy it more and more.
If you enjoy the intimacy, you will like to explore the intimacy more and more. And there are a few flowers of love which bloom only after long intimacies.
There are seasonal flowers too; within six weeks they are there in the sun, but within six weeks again they are gone forever.
There are flowers which take years to come, and there are flowers which take many, many years to come. The longer it takes, the deeper it goes. But it has to be a commitment from one heart to another heart. It has not even to be verbalized, because to verbalize it is to profane it. It has to be a silent commitment; eye to eye, heart to heart, being to being. It has to be understood, not said. It is so ugly seeing people going to the church or to the court to get married.
It is so ugly, so inhuman. Forget relationships and learn how to relate.