The cause of any insecurity is fear. In this case, it's worry about jeopardizing or compromising the status of a relationship. The anxiety is a result. Feeling insecure in a relationship can be awful. Although there are some relationship insecurities that are totally normal, others can make you. Stop right there. According to Psychology Today, in a relationship a major sign of insecurity is lack of trust. If you can't trust that your partner can.
So stop looking for certainty where it doesn't apply. Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty. Wanting to know for certain that someone will be with you forever prevents you enjoying the here and now.
Nothing in life is certain. Your relationship needs room to breathe. Schedule in some 'separate time' and just see it for what it is. The developing flower needing space to grow isn't a sign that it is heading for collapse. If they say one thing don't assume they mean another. If they say nothing don't assume that their silence is significant, either.
Many men relax by not talking. Constantly wondering and asking what someone is thinking is a dead end because even if they do tell, will you believe them anyway? When you stop doing it, you really begin to respect someone's privacy because everyone deserves the right to have space to think their own thoughts. Constantly asking, "What are you thinking? Some people do this with whole relationships. Because they were in a relationship with someone who was abusive, very critical or dishonest, or who left them, they respond to a new partner defensively or angrily when, in fact, the new partner is not really like the old one at all.
The extreme form of this 'sloppy comparison' can lead to destructive over-generalizations such as, "All men are lying bastards! Write next to this list all the ways your current partner is different and review this list regularly. This will help you to stop assuming that the future has to be like the past. Seek self-assurance Rather than always looking to the other person to make you feel secure in your relationship, get into the habit of reassuring yourself.
Start to challenge your own fears and imaginings rather than just accepting them. What real evidence is there for this fear? And even if this relationship did end, I'm strong enough to go through it and ride it and will have learnt things from it.
What we fear will be 'the end of the world' if it happens never really is. Sit down, close your eyes, and strongly imagine feeling relaxed and secure around your partner. This will train your brain to feel that "whatever happens, I'll be okay.
Insecure people look for signs of what's not working. I want you to look for signs of what is. Doing this will get you and your partner feeling naturally more positive. No meaningful relationship will always totally work all the time. Being too black or white about relationships spells trouble. There are always some difficulties, but keep focussing on what is good. This doesn't mean that you have to accept anyone who will accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you.
But it does mean that if there are occasional problems, you don't have to 'throw the baby out with the bathwater' and become so destructive that the relationship ends or so clingy that your partner ends it for you. Emma learned to relax and enjoy her relationship.
She stopped feeling she had to control what her partner thought or did and her new laidback attitude made it easier for their love to genuinely blossom.
A good relationship is there for you to enjoy together, to share resources and develop together in healthy ways. If someone really does treat you badly or lies and cheats, then feeling insecure is a natural and justified response. However, if you're actually in a generally good relationship, then follow these tips because what you have is precious.
But possibly not as precious as the knowledge that whatever happens, you can relax because you'll be okay.
Do you think you're driving your partner away but can't seem to stop? About Mark Tyrrell Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer sincespecializing in brief, solution focused approaches.
I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses. You can read more about me here. How can I help you personally? If you'd like some extra help with overcoming insecurity in relationships, watch my free 3 part video series on relationships by clicking the button below.
She is too good for you. As soon as she gets to know you, she will reject you.
How to Overcome Insecurity: Why Am I So Insecure?
Once we have a better sense of where our insecurity comes from and the profound influence it is having on our lives, we can begin to challenge it. We can start by interrupting the critical inner voice process. Robert Firestone to help people overcome their critical inner voice. There are five important steps to this process, which I will briefly outline.
To learn about Voice Therapy in more depth click here. Step I The first step of Voice Therapy involves vocalizing your self-critical thoughts in the second person. You can also write down these thoughts. What is the matter with me? You will never be successful. This process can also be an emotional one, as saying these statements can bring up underlying feelings from the past.
- Brazil Suicide Hotlines
Step II In the second step, you can start to think and talk about the insights and reactions you have to exposing these mean thoughts. Do they remind you of anyone or anything from your past? It can be helpful to uncover the relationship between these voice attacks and the early life experiences that helped shape them. This too will allow you to feel some self-compassion and reject these attitudes as accurate reflections of who you are.
Step III People often struggle with the third step of this process, because it involves standing up to long-held beliefs and insecurities about oneself.
You will answer back to your voice attacks, expressing your real point of view. You can write down rational and realistic statements about how you really are. Respond to your attacks the way you would to a friend who was saying these things about him or herself, with compassion and kindness.
Step IV In step five of Voice Therapy, you start to make a connection between how the voice attacks are influencing your present-day behaviors. How do they affect you at work? In your personal ambitions? Do they undermine you? What events trigger the insecurity? In what areas is this insecurity most influential? Step V The final step involves making a plan to change these behaviors.
Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships
This process will not be easy. With change always comes anxiety. These defenses and critical inner voices have been with you your whole life, and they can feel uncomfortable to challenge.
When you do change, expect the voices to get louder.