How to Have a Long Term Relationship (with Pictures) - wikiHow
Thriving and passionate long term relationships all share 5 key characteristics, which are known as the secrets to lasting love. Learn what they are today. Now, however, I'm in my first long-term relationship (nine months "Even if you 're deeply in love with your partner, it's perfectly normal to. More often than not, the distinction between long-lasting relationships and ones that end within the first few months is the problem-solving skills (or lack thereof).
The five secrets move people quickly through the stuck places so that they can enjoy the profound beauty of genuine and lasting love. Many people wrongly think that creativity, commitment and appreciation are passive states of being.
The good news is quite the opposite: These are active arts—skills you can practice from moment to moment—but they will ultimately help you create a long-term relationship and experience long lasting love. Putting Commitment into Action Let us show you what we mean with a brief story of the power of the new paradigm: After hearing their story, we asked them to do something radical: We asked them to declare this marriage dead.
We paused for a full minute of silence to honor the death of a noble effort that turned awful. When our minute was up, all of us open our eyes.
No matter how they word it, people often come down to saying the same two things: Next, we asked them another question: Are you willing to create a marriage in which you both feel fully appreciated and you make the relationship more important than your old patterns?
The energy in the room lightened as their faces relaxed. Again, they were caught by surprise. Even though their first marriage had lasted fourteen years and this new one only four years so far, it felt as if the first one never existed.
Now, take a closer look at the appreciation. Alternating Cycles Human beings alternate between two ongoing cycles: The ratio between the two—the amount of time we spend in each—determines how happy we are and how much happiness we inspire around us. It also affects how much creativity we express and inspire in others.
The cycle of complaint goes as follows: We want or need something from our partner, such as more communicationmore understanding, more touch, more freedom. Inevitably our partner fails to give us what we want, so we complain about it and criticize our partner for his or her faults and failures. Armed with more detailed evidence, we escalate our barrage of criticism and complaint.
Almost everybody who criticizes, though, is convinced that if they keep it up long enough it will have the proper motivational effect on the other person. The cycle of appreciation, another ingredient for how to make love last, goes as follows: We look for things to appreciate about our partners.
We discover new ones or notice old ones anew. We speak our appreciations clearly.
5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage
Living in a cycle of complaint consumes the very energy needed for creative expression. Living in a cycle of appreciation frees up energy that each person can use for individual and mutual creativity.
Appreciation in Action What most of us need to know is this: We have a choice about which cycle to live in. What most of us really need to know is how to shift quickly out of the cycle of complaint and into the cycle of appreciation, which has the power to create long lasting love.
One of our research associates sent Gay a note a while back in which she articulated her own reaction to something that happened at a dinner with us. Speaking of appreciation, I remember the first time I ever saw a clear example of it. The three of us were in a restaurant together when we first met. At one point in the conversation Kathlyn said something funny.
I vividly remember your turning to her and saying, out loud, casually, as if it was the most natural thing in the world: You make my life so much richer because of how you look at the world. I was just feeling grateful for that and wanted you to know it.
I sat there perplexed for a moment. Later, I realized that I was waiting for the punchline. My mind was thinking: Out of the blue? Without wanting anything in return? This latter observation distinguishes the art of appreciating from the related art of praising. There is no question that praise is a useful and important skill—many books are available on how to do it effectively.
5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage
As we will show later, the paradigm in which appreciation occurs is not linear, nor is it intended to produce a specific result although it is one of the factors that builds long-lasting love. It does not fit within a reward-and-punishment schema. You shift into the new paradigm by making a conscious decision, a commitment to base your relationships on an ongoing flow of positive energy—of genuine love.
Things change for the better the moment either of these skills enters a relationship. Here is an example of appreciation for its own sake, drawn from our own relationship: One morning I awoke early to do some writing.
After an hour or so I took a break to meditate, and during meditation an idea popped into my mind. I was upstairs when I heard her sleepy footsteps approach the steps. Suddenly I heard a giggle, and then another and another as she came up the stairs and encountered each of my different thank yous. When she came into the kitchen she was absolutely aglow. A New Paradigm of Relationships We believe that concepts such as conscious committing and active appreciating constitute a shift in context that fundamentally alters the way in which people regard intimate relationships and contributes to how to make love last.
Prior Contexts Up until very recently, the context of intimate relationships was clouded by survival fears, rather than a desire for lasting love. Although survival is not the main priority for millions of people when they wake up each day, it still is for many others. Fears about hunger, deprivation, and other survival issues still shape the nature of relationships. In times past, our ancestors paid less attention to psychological or spiritual fulfillment.
Techniques for problem solving were essentially nonexistent. Things changed as the twentieth century gained momentum. Movies, literature, and other arts began to celebrate the transcendent possibilities of relationship—symbolized by the graceful dancing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
The Freudian revolution promised to offer tools for handling problems when missteps caused us to tread on each other painfully.
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In the survival context, life is lived in waves with things like fear and hunger as the crests and periods of relief from those things as the swells. In the fulfillment context, life is lived in waves of fulfillment and the hunger for more. We believe, however, that the context is about to make an even larger shift, opening access to a new force field. Once he begins to expect these things, you will always be close to his awareness.
Engage in lots of eye gazing. This is one way to keep the romance alive and is especially powerful when making love.
Learn what pleases your partner sexually. Make it clear that his pleasure is your pleasure, and you want to discover everything about what turns him on. Teach your partner what you like. Likewise, making you happy will make him feel good. And research shows that the sexual pleasure of one partner increases the pleasure of the other partner.
Boost lasting love with sexual novelty. While you don't have to break out the whips and chains, a little novelty can increase anticipation, which means that more hormones are secreted. Hotter, more thrilling sex for both of you. Going on a roller-coaster ride, taking a balloon trip, shooting the rapids—anything with a touch of danger to it—can make him fall more deeply in love with you.
Do something great for someone your partner loves. If you show kindness and love for someone he loves, you will earn major points. When you enter a relationship, you also enter a relationship with all his family and friends.
Show him that the people who are important to him are important to you. Your Top Sex Questions, Answered! Summarize and immortalize loving moments.